I (and Dom) WROTE SOMETHING!

So I know as well as you do that it has been sometime since I have posted something. But have no fear, as I have finally got around to typing up a post for your reading pleasure. The premise of this post was basically this; Dom, from Lije's Mindstate, and I were on 20sb chat one night and listening to some complaints from other male bloggers (there are not that many on 20sb to tell you the truth :P) about their interactions with females. We had plenty of things to say and strong opinions to express so after a few lines we decided to collaborate on an advice post. 


This is a post that goes out to awkward, shy guys everywhere. And the good-looking girls that have to put up with their fumbling, somewhat clumsy attempts at sweeping them off their feet. This is only Chapter One so we will be soon be back with more guy counseling in regards to the ladies.

Time for a Lil' Scaryoke

It is the summertime and most people are on vacation, so the blogs have been suffering from lack of posting. Mine is included in that group but not for long. Fortunately, I have a big list of things-to-do for the next posts, so you readers will have plenty to browse through on your work days or your beach days. 


First off, the regular Karaoke Blog Ring of Death is on a sort of hiatus. Never fear however because a group of bloggers on Twitter decided to band together and produce a new karaoke blog ring. We call it Scaryoke. Why is it named thus? Simple - other people take care of the song selection that you are going to perform. And that shit's scary people. No excuses, no preferences, just the song that your fellow blogger lined up for you to paste your face on the interwebs. It makes for funny and twisted covers of songs we don't know or even like. 


I had great fun recording my cover of "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson. This song was given to me by Kandace from One Red Wall, when I think she knew that country wasn't my cup of tea :P. As for my choice, I had to give a song to Jes from Jes Getting Started. I knew she had performed tons of fast-paced and pop radio songs, so I wanted her to go back and revisit a classic. And since I remembered that she had colored glasses, it was an easy choice from there. For a slow, sentimental song that holds a significant amount of "flair" (is that the right word?) I chose Your Song by Elton John. And guess what? Jes delivered folks. Here is her performance for you to appreciate. Leave her some love down below and go over to Kandace's blog to let me know what you thought of my country debut.

Scaryoke from Jes Getting Started on Vimeo.

Cage-d In (The April Bad Movie Review)

April is a month for Easter, bunnies, and Nicholas Cage.
...wait, what? 


You heard me right. 


The Bad Movie Review Blog Ring (we don't have a creative name yet, please advise) decided to go this month with a man whose name instantly sends shudders into many a movie goer. To be sure, Mr. Cage has had his moments (Leaving Las Vegas, anyone?) and there is no doubt in my mind that he can, in fact, act. Yet somehow he always manages to choose the limping pony in the horse race that is the Hollywood movie industry. And now I present to you, the fantastic, uh-mazing, "is it really her??" blogger known as Ginny from Ginntastic who has some great things to say about Nicholas and his movies. Enjoy:

Man, I should have done this a while ago.  But here is my awful Nic Cage movie review.

There are so many bad Nicholas Cage movies it was hard to choose just one.  I decided to watch a movie that I'd never seen before.  The Bad Lieutenant:  Port of Call - New Orleans.  God, even the title is bad!

The movie starts off bad right out of the gate.  Here are a few of my notes taken in the first five minutes of the movie:

Holy receding hairline!

"Fuck Duffy!!!"

Is that Val Kilmer?  Oh my that totally is.

Seriously Nic Cage's hairline is freaking me out.

enjoy this sexy photo folks.

The first five minutes of the movie has some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard in a movie. There was some awful line about someone being a turd but all I wrote down was "turd?".   It doesn't get much better as the movie goes on.

So from what I can tell this movie is about how Nicholas Cage is a giant asshole who happens to be a cop.  He's a drug addict and all around crazy person.  He's bribing people, dating a hooker, snorting coke, robbing couples of their drugs oh and let's not forget the most uncomfortable sex scene of all time.  Nicholas Cage wants some drugs from this couple and the woman and him smoke from a pipe and then have sex right there in front of her dude while Nicholas Cages yells out sexy talk like "you're daddy molested you when you were a child didn't he".  As some point he shoots off his gun and demands the boyfriend watch.  Seriously, one of the most fucked up sex scenes I have ever seen in a movie EVER.  And who would have sex with him when he looks like that!  He is not looking good in this movie at all.

I fast forwarded through a good chunks of this movie.  It was just so boring and awful.  I stopped at one point when Fairuza Balk shows up.  I love her.  Where has she been?  Fast forward some more and land on this gem of dialogue "I'll kill all of you.  To the break of dawn.  To the break of dawn baby!!"  Ugh this is awful!!

I know there was some fighting over drugs and people getting killed but otherwise I don't really know what is going on in this movie.  I fast forwarded to the end where Nic Cage is sitting on the floor in an aquarium having a chat with some other guy.  That's it.  The end!  What a waste of time!

I tried, I really tried to make it through without fast forwarding but I couldn't do it!  I thought the Wicker Man was bad, but no.  This was worse.  I at least made it to the end of the Wicker Man.


If you want to hear my thoughts on Knowing, then head on over to one of my favorite (and bad-ass) bloggers out there, Tsa from The Tsaritsa Sez. 

Stopping the World (Bloggerstock March)

This is my first month on Bloggerstock, aka to me as a shining diamond among the dozens of blog rings out there in the blogosphere. I am truly honored to join in writing with this group of talented and passionate bloggers. If you check out the founders on their site, I think you'd agree with my assessment of their abilities as well. For the month of March, the theme was "Stop the World, I want to get on/off!". 

Much to my delight, I get to host the lovely Kris from Because or Why Not. She is part of the Bloggerstock founding group (read: awesome) and a great blogger to boot. Here is her post. If you'd like to read up on my own on this topic, I am over on Dom's blog - Lije's Mindstate. So without further interruption, here's Kris:

I think I'm the minority but I've always been glad life doesn't come equipped with a fast forward or rewind buttons.  If I had access to these options I would abuse the crap out of them.  I'd probably still be nine years old just reliving a few of those years over and over.  Blithely skipping, of course, the times I cried over my math or wasn't allowed to go play with friends.  That's pretty much what life was like at nine.  Then there would be the temptation of fast forwarding before making even the most minor of decisions.  Or skipping out on all the "character building" moments in life.  C'mon, you know you'd do the same.

But a pause button...  A pause button is a concept I can get behind.  I don't see much evil that could be accomplished through being allowed to stop my world.  It would just give me the option of accomplishing so much more in a short amount of time.  Like writing this post, for example.  I could push pause, cook dinner, type this out, maybe have a nap, and still be fresh to go out this evening.  Yeah, I'm all over that.

Or maybe I could use it to stretch out the good times.  Good company?  Pause that.  Enjoy the conversation for hours and still be in bed by midnight.  Awesome fresh chocolate chip cookies?  Just hit pause and be eating them as long as you like, all for 100 calories.

In short, I could use more time.  More time to live life like I want to live it.  More time to sort out all the things that overload me all at once.  A chance to accomplish everything I know I could and still be lazy.  Time to snowboard every weekend and make my occasional work-free days stretch for glorious eternity.

Yes, a pause button is an idea I wouldn't mind.

__________________________________

Kris has done many things, but very few of them permanently.  A bit of a commitment-phobe she now records many of her musings over at Because or Why Not, something she has stuck by remarkably well.    Currently she's just a small-town girl with a lust for adventure.  It would seem that's, ultimately, her lot in life.

I am Asian Today

As many of you may have heard, a delightful blonde from UCLA has been tearing up the interwebs with her vlog about Asians at her school and their behavior, particularly at the school library. I watched it, and for a while I didn't understand what the outrage was all about. All of a sudden, it hit me.


...I was distracted by the boobs.
I had missed her words (as if I was actually going to pay attention to the words she was saying).


Oh yea, that whole "racism" thing people are talking about. Words can't do her and her outrageous comments justice, so I will just have to help you watch the video instead so you can make your own conclusions.

You Can Touch But You Can't Taste (Part Two)

First note: THANK YOU for your positive responses to the first part of the story. I actually thought that, after reading it over the first time, it was too boring for my blog :P.


Second note: I SWEAR I will get back to putting up posts on new music and old math soon enough. Just bear with me a lil' bit as I take a side journey into funny storytelling land. 


Third note: I also promise that I will a) get my guest posts done (even if it takes me until summer!) and b) recognize and respond to all the memes/awards that have been sent my way. Keep the blog love strong.


Alright, so back to your regular programming. Where was I? Oh yes, end of the first night.


I wish I could say that Bright took over every one of my thoughts and dreams after that night, but I have to be honest with you. Nope. She was a drop in the ocean of new people that I kept meeting every day at college. I barely could keep track of them all, regardless of their physical beauty. I even would forget the names of my three roommates on occasion. I can blame alcohol but I think my general distracted-ness is to blame. 


Fast forward a week after that first night to one of those "freshmen only" social events. This is generally a social meeting of some sort attempting to get more freshmen to meet one another and promote "class unity". Lured by the offer of free dinner, and free food usually can get me to do many many things, I was present at said event. The buffet table was already swarmed by a tremendously long line that immediately damped my enthusiasm for any type of class love. Bitches were taking my food...I didn't want to be friends with people who took my food. Yet I wasn't to walk all the way back to my dorm without a full stomach so I just planted myself at the back of the line. While I was conversing with my grumbling stomach, telling it to "chill out" and it telling me to "STFU You", I felt a tap on my shoulder.


"Hey! Remember me?"
Ummm sorry, I feel really bad 
"Riooooo, you were supposed to teach me how to dance. Like an engineer! Remember now?"
Holy crap, BRIGHT! How you been?
"Pretty awful, considering you didn't remember me!" (fake yet sexy scowl)


As we were catching up, I was beating myself up in my mind. Picture a bear mauling anything not bear-like - with blood, intestines, and people screaming everywhere. That was pretty much what my penis what was doing to my memory, with the promise of a "hell you don't even dare imagine" if this slip-up in face-name recognition cost me bed time with Bright. Again, I was hoping that my charm was in the "on" position or that it existed in the first place. 


"I had lots of fun that one night, we should hang out again"
Where did you go? I mean, we got a little worried about where you girls had gone.
"OMG! I am SO sorry about that! [her third friend] had found a guy that she knew with weed, and we got like totally high...we completely forgot about you guys"
No shame, I got SR home okay so it wasn't a problem at all.
"I hear about that, that was really nice of you. Most guys would have tried to pull a move on some girl they walked home."

You Can Touch But You Can't Taste (Part One)

I have a strange sensation every time I try to write a story that is has a sexual foundation. Plainly speaking, I just can't find the words to write it down. Where to start? What to include? Even the most basic requirements become mind-boggling...level of detail, renaming people, and even the basic time line of the story. But enough with the excuses, I want to y'all a story involving a girl and I will - writing standards be damned. 


This story begins, as most college ones do, at a kegger. Second month of freshman year, and I was running back and forth all over campus. Every backyard and basement like exactly like the one before, so the location of the party/kegger/get-together was of little importance. All that mattered was that I drink, "socialize", and go home with a good-looking young lady by the end of the night. 


One night, I followed my friend Del to yet another frat party - this one was an outdoor concert featuring a mostly drunk and mostly mediocre up-and-coming student rock band. I left for the bathroom and on my return found Del talking to three girls. One of these girls was her. I took so much time trying to find other names for her, but when I was typing my final selection, a much better fitting name took its place. Her name was Bright Eyes. 


At first glance, I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Then I got up close to her. Whoa. Just...wow. She was of average height, somewhat curvy, with curly dirty blond hair. But it was her face that stole the show. As her faux name suggests, she had the biggest, brightest, and clearest green eyes I had ever seen. You know how they say you look at someone and fall into their gaze? I felt that but I didn't just fall, I plummeted head-first. To top it off, she had a smile that was both cute and sexy. I know that description fails in so many ways, but I struggle to put what I saw into words. Her smile was both inviting and shy, a good girl and a naughty vixen delicately mixed into one individual. Naturally, I was immediately at attention (not down there, fortunately) and ready to make some conversation. I introduced myself.


Hi, I'm Andres, you can call me Rio though
"Hi Rio. I like that name. I must be special then, to be able to call you that?" (cute grin!)
Not that special, I am just nice every once in a while (makes this face :P)
"Haha. You don't seem like a jerk to me"


Andddd we were off. Words were exchanged and so were smiles. I have completely skipped over my forced personal transformation and my elaborate montage of how I tried to learn how to flirt. Let's just say I was in the beginning stages of my practice. So yes, I was scared shitless of what I could say to her or how I should say it. Thankfully, cheap beer and a frightful concoction of so-called "jungle juice" does wonders for human interaction, particularly with attractive females. I wondered if I was doing well. Then I got some confirmation to that question.


"Hey, do you want me to get you a drink?"
Oh! Sure, I mean if that isn't much of a problem...
"They give jungle juice quicker to girls so I'll just grab two and bring them back for us!"


I was, to be cliche, over the moon. One of the cardinal rules of flirting that had been hammered into my head was this: if she does something, anything, that requires her going out of her way to do, she is into you. YES. She was getting ME a drink. Who said the guy had to go suffer through the long lines and plead with the frat brother tending the bar to hand over two drinks? Plus, she had just asked me! There was no concern for my friend or her two friends, just a clear obvious focus on yours truly. But then Del leaned over to get in a word.


"Dude, what are you doing?"
What?
"I was talking to her before you arrived, you are totally cockblocking me man. Not cool."

(mental record stops - rrreeewwwrrrrtt)

Wait, really? Had he been talking to her? I mean, I thought he was focusing his attention on the other two friends, who weren't bad looking themselves either. It was time for a decision, the girl or the friend. Del had been the very first guy that I had met moving in. He was the first one to join me in finding parties and also the first one to send me a 3am "where the fuck are you? get over to this party" text. He was a bro, one of the best.


Should I leave her? But...what if Del gets with her? Doesn't that mean I can't later on? I was confused and bewildered but I made up my mind right then. I liked Del as my friend and I want to keep being friends. And no girl was going to get between that - which was what I thought at that moment. I wanted close friends and this wasn't the moment to be letting them go.


Ok, fine. You talk to her. I'll try to hit on one of her friends
"We cool man? I am just saying, I don't mean anything by it.."
Yea we are cool, "bros over hoes" right?
"For sure, you're the man"


With this tag team switch I immediately blocked any further thoughts of interacting with Bright. She came back with our drinks and I thanked her for her efforts. Taking my drink in hand, I turned to attempt to chat with her friends. She made a few attempts to come into the conversation, but then gave up to focus more on whatever Del was trying to say. I found that her friend SR (which is short for Spanish Russian :D) was very cute and friendly, the bubbly type of girl one finds most often among the freshman class. Pretty soon, the party got broken up and our group of five went in search of greener pastures of partying. 


Walking around, we eventually found the "baseball house" the place, where I may assume, that the college baseball team lived off-campus and frequently threw parties. The house was dark, noisy, and most of all - swarmed with tall athletic looking dudes. This was not looking good for Del and I. Freshmen guys tend to have to fight an uphill battle to get laid, and more so here in the sports team environment. These guys were built, it was their house, and they were all upperclassmen so it seemed very likely that the girls had more options on the table than we did. Multiplying our efforts, we attempted to be every bit witty, sarcastic, amusing, and overall attractive to the girls. 


Bright: "My friend and I have to go to the bathroom, wait for us okay?"
Del: "Cool, we'll wait"


And wait we did. 10 minutes...20 minutes...half an hour...how long did these girls need to go to the bathroom? Del attempted to climb the stairs to the 2nd floor where they had gone to the bathroom, only to be blocked by a much bigger and much drunker baseball team resident. SR tried texting her friends over and over again, but to no avail. Del refused to give up. But SR was getting sleepy and she insisted that she wanted to go home. I volunteered to walk her back to her dorm, and Del insisted that he would wait for Bright and the third friend. I didn't know if sex or concern was motivating him (probably a combination of both) but I told him to keep me in the loop if he were to run into any problems. 


I dropped SR off at her dorm, which got me a kiss on the cheek and a "you are very sweet". Not a very successful night but I shrugged it off. I texted Del to check on the status. Status - he was still waiting. I chalked one point up for Team "Girls that Run Away from Funny Cool Guys to Hook Up with Athletic Jocks" and told him good night. 


Yet, as you may guess from the blog post's title, this was not the last time I would see Bright. In fact, it would not be the last time Del would have a pivotal role in my pursuits for her. I will continue the rest of the story soon enough.

Pour a Shot of Blog, Chase with Some Singing (KBROD March)

It is that magical time of the month again, and this event has nothing to do with being baby-free. The Karaoke Blog Ring of Death reforms once again to bring you a fresh selection of songs and bloggers, with absolutely no tampon required. March's theme is alcohol and the implications brought on by such drinks in celebration of St. Patty's Day and March Madness. As if each blogger's crazy antics weren't enough, we are going to add booze to the mix. Our viewers have asked for more, and by Elvis's ghost and Michael Jackson's zombie (too soon?), everyone has delivered. One person in particular. That would be the gnarly bitchin' Ginny from Ginntastic. I would suggest that readers should pace themselves, and not take too much too quickly but I realize...what is the fun in that? Chug it down folks, and enjoy Ginny's performance in the KaraokeSphere. Here's Ginny:


Hello Rio's lovely readers.  I'm back for karaoke again.  I planned on singing a different song but things happened (ok wine happened) and the plans changed.  I'm sure you all know this song and it mentions drinking so it totally counts.

Thanks for hosting Rio!

Keep on drink'n on my fine karaoke singing friends.







You say you want more? I hope you have a high tolerance (had to make that pun in here somewhere) so you can watch my vids. Head on over to Lorn's blog Czech You Later to see my alcohol-loving karaoke.