It's All About...SHELLY! - The August Movie Review

Hey, it is SMAC (Shitty Movie Awareness Club) time again! And this month, I have both Nugs from That Ain't Kosher and Risha from You Can Read Me Anything at my place (rawr). Dirty comments aside, they are collaborated to post a little something-something for one of favorite bloggers. This one's for you Shels.

Cage-d In (The April Bad Movie Review)

April is a month for Easter, bunnies, and Nicholas Cage.
...wait, what? 


You heard me right. 


The Bad Movie Review Blog Ring (we don't have a creative name yet, please advise) decided to go this month with a man whose name instantly sends shudders into many a movie goer. To be sure, Mr. Cage has had his moments (Leaving Las Vegas, anyone?) and there is no doubt in my mind that he can, in fact, act. Yet somehow he always manages to choose the limping pony in the horse race that is the Hollywood movie industry. And now I present to you, the fantastic, uh-mazing, "is it really her??" blogger known as Ginny from Ginntastic who has some great things to say about Nicholas and his movies. Enjoy:

Man, I should have done this a while ago.  But here is my awful Nic Cage movie review.

There are so many bad Nicholas Cage movies it was hard to choose just one.  I decided to watch a movie that I'd never seen before.  The Bad Lieutenant:  Port of Call - New Orleans.  God, even the title is bad!

The movie starts off bad right out of the gate.  Here are a few of my notes taken in the first five minutes of the movie:

Holy receding hairline!

"Fuck Duffy!!!"

Is that Val Kilmer?  Oh my that totally is.

Seriously Nic Cage's hairline is freaking me out.

enjoy this sexy photo folks.

The first five minutes of the movie has some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard in a movie. There was some awful line about someone being a turd but all I wrote down was "turd?".   It doesn't get much better as the movie goes on.

So from what I can tell this movie is about how Nicholas Cage is a giant asshole who happens to be a cop.  He's a drug addict and all around crazy person.  He's bribing people, dating a hooker, snorting coke, robbing couples of their drugs oh and let's not forget the most uncomfortable sex scene of all time.  Nicholas Cage wants some drugs from this couple and the woman and him smoke from a pipe and then have sex right there in front of her dude while Nicholas Cages yells out sexy talk like "you're daddy molested you when you were a child didn't he".  As some point he shoots off his gun and demands the boyfriend watch.  Seriously, one of the most fucked up sex scenes I have ever seen in a movie EVER.  And who would have sex with him when he looks like that!  He is not looking good in this movie at all.

I fast forwarded through a good chunks of this movie.  It was just so boring and awful.  I stopped at one point when Fairuza Balk shows up.  I love her.  Where has she been?  Fast forward some more and land on this gem of dialogue "I'll kill all of you.  To the break of dawn.  To the break of dawn baby!!"  Ugh this is awful!!

I know there was some fighting over drugs and people getting killed but otherwise I don't really know what is going on in this movie.  I fast forwarded to the end where Nic Cage is sitting on the floor in an aquarium having a chat with some other guy.  That's it.  The end!  What a waste of time!

I tried, I really tried to make it through without fast forwarding but I couldn't do it!  I thought the Wicker Man was bad, but no.  This was worse.  I at least made it to the end of the Wicker Man.


If you want to hear my thoughts on Knowing, then head on over to one of my favorite (and bad-ass) bloggers out there, Tsa from The Tsaritsa Sez. 

Quack! Quack! Quack! The March Movie Review

For March, the Bad Movie Blog Ring has decided to tackle some sports movies. I have the absolute pleasure of getting to host the lovely and always hilarious Coyote Rose from Dancing on the Bar of Life. She is sassy, she is nerdy, and most of all she is a riot. Her movie this month was the classic and unforgettable The Mighty Ducks. Oh those Ducks, with Emilio Estevez/Coach Gordon Bombay and the lovable crew of misfits and juvenile delinquents. So read on and enjoy some Rose in your blog life. My review, soon to be up I hope, is going to be on my rap partner and hit producer Tsa over at The Tsarita Sez. Move on over to her awesome blog and ch-ch-check it out.

So welcome to this months edition of Sucky Movies Anonymous, because its March and March Madness is just around the corner, we opted to do sports movies this month. I felt it was only necessary to do the Might Ducks Trilogy.


Listen, don't get me wrong. I happen to love the Might Ducks films. I own two of the three of them, and they are totally my guilty pleasure sports movie. I mean who doesn't love when those adorable little tykes quack at their teacher, but in retrospect the movies are retarded.


Honestly, a hot-shot lawyer gets arrested for drunk driving and sentence to community service as a hockey coach. Lets count the number of things wrong with this:

1. A laywer getting caught drunk driving once would absolutely be able to get himself out of the charges
2. It only being his first offense (as far as i remember) would only get his license taken away for a year, under no circumstances would he be giving community service.
3. I'm pretty sure those parents would be a little pissed off that their children are being coached by a jack-ass lawyer who breaks the law

 So after the initial run ins with the kids hating him and the coach not wanting to be there, the coach has a change of heart because he loves the game as a kid (how fucking convenient) and has a run in with an old friend who just so happens to run a hockey supply shop (seriously, plot writers?) The lawyer then gets his boss to fund the team, they change the team name to the ducks (how menacing) and the the team gets really good in the matter of like 3 minutes. Oh and then the lawyer loses his job by being a good hockey coach, because who in their right mind is going to give up a lucrative job to coach a pee-wee hockey team? By sheer luck the hockey team make it to the championship game against their rivals and the lawyers douchebag ex-hockey coach. Take wild guesses on which team won?


Of course the ducks did, because they made a sequel. The former-laywer is now a hockey player in the NHL (having left for the minor leagues at the end of the last movie) but he gets his knee blown out and is forced back home.  His old friend manages to finagle the former-laywer as job as the coach of the Hockey team for the Jr. Goodwill games, so he rounds up his old ducks and heads to California. They arrive there and meet a few new players that will be joining their team. The team does well initially but then the former-lawyer turns into a douchebag and the kids all hate him and blah blah blah boring standard kids-sports movie cliche shit. The hockey team then goes out and plays street hockey and gets a renewed love for it. The former-lawyer un-douchebags himself and the team goes on to win the Jr. Goodwill games.


We won't even discuss the 3rd mighty ducks film because it was such a travesty.


The only thing that saves the Might Ducks films from being a total sports movie cliche, is that the acting isn't totally awful. Emilio Estevez (the less druggie-insane of the Sheen-Estevez brothers) plays the lawyer turned coach and a very young cherubic Joshua Jackson (of Dawson's Creek and Fringe fame) plays the lead hockey kid in the movie. Kenan Thompson of All That and SNL fame shows up in the second movie in the perfect goofy part for him. A few of the site gags are pretty humorous to watch, but in general this is the worst kind of recycled movie crap. I suggest watching it next Sunday if you have the time.

Breaking my Eyes, but Not Any Hearts - The February Movie Review Blog Swap

I signed up to do this whole "blog swap" thing again and this time it was to do movie reviews. This month's is bad romantic comedies, so I was like "why the fuck not?". One important thing to note: this is my first swap partner that actually got me their stuff! I had enlisted in two other so-called swaps, but I missed out on my partner the previous times. This is why I am pleased to introduce my new favorite person of the day...Christina.


She is a truly bad-ass chick so check out her blog, stick it to your Reader, and pay attention to what she has to say because it might save your eyes people! Without further ado, I present to you, Christina's Wonderland:


Hi. I may and/or may not be Christina Harper (from Christina In Wonderland's) ID, EGO, or SUPEREGO. Either way, does it really matter? I'm here from my wonderfully awkward and insane blog, that I've been neglecting recently. Well, not neglecting. I'm taking time off to pursue other endeavors, which is code word for "college is sucking my mental juice" and by "mental juice" I mean, well, you know what I mean. Or something. Where was I going with this introduction? Oh yeah, if you want to sift through random nonsense, please, go take a look at my blog. It isn't much at the moment, negligence and all, but I swear, within the next week or so I'm going to renovate it and get my creative mojo back. MUAHAHAHA! That being said, on to my review.

-----------------

p.s i (fucking) love you

So, I kind of cheated when I did this. I Googled "shitty romantic comedies" and looked at a lot of lists. Mostly because I really don't WATCH romantic comedies, or romantic movies at all. The last romantic movie I watched was, well, if you want to count Fight Club as aromantic movie, then go for it.


Anyway, the way in which I cheated was that I saw this movie on someone's list and freaked the fuck out. Like, I literally flipped a biscuit... off the desk... where I was eating. And I'm Southern so we take our biscuits VERY seriously. *ahem* Whatever. That was a mild rant. P.S. I Love You is by no means an AMAZING movie, but worst romantic movie of all time, or one of them? Dear person on the internet you must not understand that Hilary Swank and Gerard Butler make any movie tolerable at least, and the fact that they are BOTH in this movie, well, your argument is just invalid.


I watched this movie. I really, really liked this movie. Albeit, there were certain things about it that bugged me. I guess I'll start with those. First of all, there was Harry Connick, Jr. who just has only ever impressed me in ONE movie throughout his entire career, and that wasHope Floats. And I didn't even like him in that movie, so maybe I just hate him and he makes every movie he has ever been in worse just because there he is... so, yes, he and his shitty acting were an undeniable flaw in the casting.


Maybe he was the only thing I really didn't like about the movie. Because most everything else was pretty par for the course. Well, and Kathy Bates... how I do worship that woman, but something about her character threw me off. I mean, no mother is that unsupportive of her daughter. But even then I still kind of get it at the end. Ugh. I'm so wishy-washy and indecisive in this review. Is that bad?


Moving on, to the reasons why I think this movie isn't nearly as shitty as everyone and their cracked out Grammymaw seem to make it. First of all, Hilary Swank always gives a good performance, I don't even care what you say. The fact that she was playing a woman who's husband dies, and she's getting these tiny pieces of her husband from beyond the grave, and she's trying to move on and learn to deal, well, Swank pulls that off. If she's "bland" it's because the character is probably personally numb from all that's happened, and because her friends are all kind of bitches.


And I literally cried near the ending, okay? I swear to whatever God there may or may not be that I bawled my baby back bitch eyes out and I KID YOU NOT THAT WAS A REALLY, REALLY GOOD MOVIE! It's one of  those movies that the ending doesn't even matter, it's the destination that's the real deal. So, even if you aren't pleased with the ending or whatever, enjoy the ride, man... or (wo)man. Don't want to leave people out. Lack of androgynous pronouns leaves the world a sad place, you know?


Okay... am I done here? Have I given you enough of a shitty post that I can go crawl back into my Earth Cave and die a slow, Tumblr-related death?


Seriously folks, I have nothing else to say. We're at the end credits now and you're refusing to leave the theater. What is WRONG wichu? Drop the popcorn in the trash receptacles and go have sex. Or if you're underage, go have frozen yogurt. Frozen yogurt is good...


And this has been a public service announcement from Christina In Wonderland. Thank you for tuning in.

Was that good or what? Very informative and hilariously accurate on the bashing, I *like* this review. If you want to read my honest opinion on the The Ugly Truth starring Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl, then move on over to McGriddle Pant's (awesome name right?) blog Serenity Now! Insanity Later. Tune in next month for more couch movie criticisms.