Peek-a-boo

I shouldn't be here right now. Yes, this is still my blog and yes I am alive, thanks for asking. I only have a limited amount of time before the Study Demons catch up and force me back into hiding. If you are wondering why I personified my work load, fuck that and go with it for the time being. 


The main reasons I have popped out of my seclusion are a) to answer some random-ass questions left to me by a fellow blogger, the crazy and always interesting Erin from The Post Modern Talko, and to finally review several artists and albums on my blog post queue. 

It's All About...SHELLY! - The August Movie Review

Hey, it is SMAC (Shitty Movie Awareness Club) time again! And this month, I have both Nugs from That Ain't Kosher and Risha from You Can Read Me Anything at my place (rawr). Dirty comments aside, they are collaborated to post a little something-something for one of favorite bloggers. This one's for you Shels.

I (and Dom) WROTE SOMETHING!

So I know as well as you do that it has been sometime since I have posted something. But have no fear, as I have finally got around to typing up a post for your reading pleasure. The premise of this post was basically this; Dom, from Lije's Mindstate, and I were on 20sb chat one night and listening to some complaints from other male bloggers (there are not that many on 20sb to tell you the truth :P) about their interactions with females. We had plenty of things to say and strong opinions to express so after a few lines we decided to collaborate on an advice post. 


This is a post that goes out to awkward, shy guys everywhere. And the good-looking girls that have to put up with their fumbling, somewhat clumsy attempts at sweeping them off their feet. This is only Chapter One so we will be soon be back with more guy counseling in regards to the ladies.

Time for a Lil' Scaryoke

It is the summertime and most people are on vacation, so the blogs have been suffering from lack of posting. Mine is included in that group but not for long. Fortunately, I have a big list of things-to-do for the next posts, so you readers will have plenty to browse through on your work days or your beach days. 


First off, the regular Karaoke Blog Ring of Death is on a sort of hiatus. Never fear however because a group of bloggers on Twitter decided to band together and produce a new karaoke blog ring. We call it Scaryoke. Why is it named thus? Simple - other people take care of the song selection that you are going to perform. And that shit's scary people. No excuses, no preferences, just the song that your fellow blogger lined up for you to paste your face on the interwebs. It makes for funny and twisted covers of songs we don't know or even like. 


I had great fun recording my cover of "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson. This song was given to me by Kandace from One Red Wall, when I think she knew that country wasn't my cup of tea :P. As for my choice, I had to give a song to Jes from Jes Getting Started. I knew she had performed tons of fast-paced and pop radio songs, so I wanted her to go back and revisit a classic. And since I remembered that she had colored glasses, it was an easy choice from there. For a slow, sentimental song that holds a significant amount of "flair" (is that the right word?) I chose Your Song by Elton John. And guess what? Jes delivered folks. Here is her performance for you to appreciate. Leave her some love down below and go over to Kandace's blog to let me know what you thought of my country debut.

Scaryoke from Jes Getting Started on Vimeo.

Cage-d In (The April Bad Movie Review)

April is a month for Easter, bunnies, and Nicholas Cage.
...wait, what? 


You heard me right. 


The Bad Movie Review Blog Ring (we don't have a creative name yet, please advise) decided to go this month with a man whose name instantly sends shudders into many a movie goer. To be sure, Mr. Cage has had his moments (Leaving Las Vegas, anyone?) and there is no doubt in my mind that he can, in fact, act. Yet somehow he always manages to choose the limping pony in the horse race that is the Hollywood movie industry. And now I present to you, the fantastic, uh-mazing, "is it really her??" blogger known as Ginny from Ginntastic who has some great things to say about Nicholas and his movies. Enjoy:

Man, I should have done this a while ago.  But here is my awful Nic Cage movie review.

There are so many bad Nicholas Cage movies it was hard to choose just one.  I decided to watch a movie that I'd never seen before.  The Bad Lieutenant:  Port of Call - New Orleans.  God, even the title is bad!

The movie starts off bad right out of the gate.  Here are a few of my notes taken in the first five minutes of the movie:

Holy receding hairline!

"Fuck Duffy!!!"

Is that Val Kilmer?  Oh my that totally is.

Seriously Nic Cage's hairline is freaking me out.

enjoy this sexy photo folks.

The first five minutes of the movie has some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard in a movie. There was some awful line about someone being a turd but all I wrote down was "turd?".   It doesn't get much better as the movie goes on.

So from what I can tell this movie is about how Nicholas Cage is a giant asshole who happens to be a cop.  He's a drug addict and all around crazy person.  He's bribing people, dating a hooker, snorting coke, robbing couples of their drugs oh and let's not forget the most uncomfortable sex scene of all time.  Nicholas Cage wants some drugs from this couple and the woman and him smoke from a pipe and then have sex right there in front of her dude while Nicholas Cages yells out sexy talk like "you're daddy molested you when you were a child didn't he".  As some point he shoots off his gun and demands the boyfriend watch.  Seriously, one of the most fucked up sex scenes I have ever seen in a movie EVER.  And who would have sex with him when he looks like that!  He is not looking good in this movie at all.

I fast forwarded through a good chunks of this movie.  It was just so boring and awful.  I stopped at one point when Fairuza Balk shows up.  I love her.  Where has she been?  Fast forward some more and land on this gem of dialogue "I'll kill all of you.  To the break of dawn.  To the break of dawn baby!!"  Ugh this is awful!!

I know there was some fighting over drugs and people getting killed but otherwise I don't really know what is going on in this movie.  I fast forwarded to the end where Nic Cage is sitting on the floor in an aquarium having a chat with some other guy.  That's it.  The end!  What a waste of time!

I tried, I really tried to make it through without fast forwarding but I couldn't do it!  I thought the Wicker Man was bad, but no.  This was worse.  I at least made it to the end of the Wicker Man.


If you want to hear my thoughts on Knowing, then head on over to one of my favorite (and bad-ass) bloggers out there, Tsa from The Tsaritsa Sez. 

Stopping the World (Bloggerstock March)

This is my first month on Bloggerstock, aka to me as a shining diamond among the dozens of blog rings out there in the blogosphere. I am truly honored to join in writing with this group of talented and passionate bloggers. If you check out the founders on their site, I think you'd agree with my assessment of their abilities as well. For the month of March, the theme was "Stop the World, I want to get on/off!". 

Much to my delight, I get to host the lovely Kris from Because or Why Not. She is part of the Bloggerstock founding group (read: awesome) and a great blogger to boot. Here is her post. If you'd like to read up on my own on this topic, I am over on Dom's blog - Lije's Mindstate. So without further interruption, here's Kris:

I think I'm the minority but I've always been glad life doesn't come equipped with a fast forward or rewind buttons.  If I had access to these options I would abuse the crap out of them.  I'd probably still be nine years old just reliving a few of those years over and over.  Blithely skipping, of course, the times I cried over my math or wasn't allowed to go play with friends.  That's pretty much what life was like at nine.  Then there would be the temptation of fast forwarding before making even the most minor of decisions.  Or skipping out on all the "character building" moments in life.  C'mon, you know you'd do the same.

But a pause button...  A pause button is a concept I can get behind.  I don't see much evil that could be accomplished through being allowed to stop my world.  It would just give me the option of accomplishing so much more in a short amount of time.  Like writing this post, for example.  I could push pause, cook dinner, type this out, maybe have a nap, and still be fresh to go out this evening.  Yeah, I'm all over that.

Or maybe I could use it to stretch out the good times.  Good company?  Pause that.  Enjoy the conversation for hours and still be in bed by midnight.  Awesome fresh chocolate chip cookies?  Just hit pause and be eating them as long as you like, all for 100 calories.

In short, I could use more time.  More time to live life like I want to live it.  More time to sort out all the things that overload me all at once.  A chance to accomplish everything I know I could and still be lazy.  Time to snowboard every weekend and make my occasional work-free days stretch for glorious eternity.

Yes, a pause button is an idea I wouldn't mind.

__________________________________

Kris has done many things, but very few of them permanently.  A bit of a commitment-phobe she now records many of her musings over at Because or Why Not, something she has stuck by remarkably well.    Currently she's just a small-town girl with a lust for adventure.  It would seem that's, ultimately, her lot in life.

I am Asian Today

As many of you may have heard, a delightful blonde from UCLA has been tearing up the interwebs with her vlog about Asians at her school and their behavior, particularly at the school library. I watched it, and for a while I didn't understand what the outrage was all about. All of a sudden, it hit me.


...I was distracted by the boobs.
I had missed her words (as if I was actually going to pay attention to the words she was saying).


Oh yea, that whole "racism" thing people are talking about. Words can't do her and her outrageous comments justice, so I will just have to help you watch the video instead so you can make your own conclusions.

You Can Touch But You Can't Taste (Part Two)

First note: THANK YOU for your positive responses to the first part of the story. I actually thought that, after reading it over the first time, it was too boring for my blog :P.


Second note: I SWEAR I will get back to putting up posts on new music and old math soon enough. Just bear with me a lil' bit as I take a side journey into funny storytelling land. 


Third note: I also promise that I will a) get my guest posts done (even if it takes me until summer!) and b) recognize and respond to all the memes/awards that have been sent my way. Keep the blog love strong.


Alright, so back to your regular programming. Where was I? Oh yes, end of the first night.


I wish I could say that Bright took over every one of my thoughts and dreams after that night, but I have to be honest with you. Nope. She was a drop in the ocean of new people that I kept meeting every day at college. I barely could keep track of them all, regardless of their physical beauty. I even would forget the names of my three roommates on occasion. I can blame alcohol but I think my general distracted-ness is to blame. 


Fast forward a week after that first night to one of those "freshmen only" social events. This is generally a social meeting of some sort attempting to get more freshmen to meet one another and promote "class unity". Lured by the offer of free dinner, and free food usually can get me to do many many things, I was present at said event. The buffet table was already swarmed by a tremendously long line that immediately damped my enthusiasm for any type of class love. Bitches were taking my food...I didn't want to be friends with people who took my food. Yet I wasn't to walk all the way back to my dorm without a full stomach so I just planted myself at the back of the line. While I was conversing with my grumbling stomach, telling it to "chill out" and it telling me to "STFU You", I felt a tap on my shoulder.


"Hey! Remember me?"
Ummm sorry, I feel really bad 
"Riooooo, you were supposed to teach me how to dance. Like an engineer! Remember now?"
Holy crap, BRIGHT! How you been?
"Pretty awful, considering you didn't remember me!" (fake yet sexy scowl)


As we were catching up, I was beating myself up in my mind. Picture a bear mauling anything not bear-like - with blood, intestines, and people screaming everywhere. That was pretty much what my penis what was doing to my memory, with the promise of a "hell you don't even dare imagine" if this slip-up in face-name recognition cost me bed time with Bright. Again, I was hoping that my charm was in the "on" position or that it existed in the first place. 


"I had lots of fun that one night, we should hang out again"
Where did you go? I mean, we got a little worried about where you girls had gone.
"OMG! I am SO sorry about that! [her third friend] had found a guy that she knew with weed, and we got like totally high...we completely forgot about you guys"
No shame, I got SR home okay so it wasn't a problem at all.
"I hear about that, that was really nice of you. Most guys would have tried to pull a move on some girl they walked home."

You Can Touch But You Can't Taste (Part One)

I have a strange sensation every time I try to write a story that is has a sexual foundation. Plainly speaking, I just can't find the words to write it down. Where to start? What to include? Even the most basic requirements become mind-boggling...level of detail, renaming people, and even the basic time line of the story. But enough with the excuses, I want to y'all a story involving a girl and I will - writing standards be damned. 


This story begins, as most college ones do, at a kegger. Second month of freshman year, and I was running back and forth all over campus. Every backyard and basement like exactly like the one before, so the location of the party/kegger/get-together was of little importance. All that mattered was that I drink, "socialize", and go home with a good-looking young lady by the end of the night. 


One night, I followed my friend Del to yet another frat party - this one was an outdoor concert featuring a mostly drunk and mostly mediocre up-and-coming student rock band. I left for the bathroom and on my return found Del talking to three girls. One of these girls was her. I took so much time trying to find other names for her, but when I was typing my final selection, a much better fitting name took its place. Her name was Bright Eyes. 


At first glance, I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Then I got up close to her. Whoa. Just...wow. She was of average height, somewhat curvy, with curly dirty blond hair. But it was her face that stole the show. As her faux name suggests, she had the biggest, brightest, and clearest green eyes I had ever seen. You know how they say you look at someone and fall into their gaze? I felt that but I didn't just fall, I plummeted head-first. To top it off, she had a smile that was both cute and sexy. I know that description fails in so many ways, but I struggle to put what I saw into words. Her smile was both inviting and shy, a good girl and a naughty vixen delicately mixed into one individual. Naturally, I was immediately at attention (not down there, fortunately) and ready to make some conversation. I introduced myself.


Hi, I'm Andres, you can call me Rio though
"Hi Rio. I like that name. I must be special then, to be able to call you that?" (cute grin!)
Not that special, I am just nice every once in a while (makes this face :P)
"Haha. You don't seem like a jerk to me"


Andddd we were off. Words were exchanged and so were smiles. I have completely skipped over my forced personal transformation and my elaborate montage of how I tried to learn how to flirt. Let's just say I was in the beginning stages of my practice. So yes, I was scared shitless of what I could say to her or how I should say it. Thankfully, cheap beer and a frightful concoction of so-called "jungle juice" does wonders for human interaction, particularly with attractive females. I wondered if I was doing well. Then I got some confirmation to that question.


"Hey, do you want me to get you a drink?"
Oh! Sure, I mean if that isn't much of a problem...
"They give jungle juice quicker to girls so I'll just grab two and bring them back for us!"


I was, to be cliche, over the moon. One of the cardinal rules of flirting that had been hammered into my head was this: if she does something, anything, that requires her going out of her way to do, she is into you. YES. She was getting ME a drink. Who said the guy had to go suffer through the long lines and plead with the frat brother tending the bar to hand over two drinks? Plus, she had just asked me! There was no concern for my friend or her two friends, just a clear obvious focus on yours truly. But then Del leaned over to get in a word.


"Dude, what are you doing?"
What?
"I was talking to her before you arrived, you are totally cockblocking me man. Not cool."

(mental record stops - rrreeewwwrrrrtt)

Wait, really? Had he been talking to her? I mean, I thought he was focusing his attention on the other two friends, who weren't bad looking themselves either. It was time for a decision, the girl or the friend. Del had been the very first guy that I had met moving in. He was the first one to join me in finding parties and also the first one to send me a 3am "where the fuck are you? get over to this party" text. He was a bro, one of the best.


Should I leave her? But...what if Del gets with her? Doesn't that mean I can't later on? I was confused and bewildered but I made up my mind right then. I liked Del as my friend and I want to keep being friends. And no girl was going to get between that - which was what I thought at that moment. I wanted close friends and this wasn't the moment to be letting them go.


Ok, fine. You talk to her. I'll try to hit on one of her friends
"We cool man? I am just saying, I don't mean anything by it.."
Yea we are cool, "bros over hoes" right?
"For sure, you're the man"


With this tag team switch I immediately blocked any further thoughts of interacting with Bright. She came back with our drinks and I thanked her for her efforts. Taking my drink in hand, I turned to attempt to chat with her friends. She made a few attempts to come into the conversation, but then gave up to focus more on whatever Del was trying to say. I found that her friend SR (which is short for Spanish Russian :D) was very cute and friendly, the bubbly type of girl one finds most often among the freshman class. Pretty soon, the party got broken up and our group of five went in search of greener pastures of partying. 


Walking around, we eventually found the "baseball house" the place, where I may assume, that the college baseball team lived off-campus and frequently threw parties. The house was dark, noisy, and most of all - swarmed with tall athletic looking dudes. This was not looking good for Del and I. Freshmen guys tend to have to fight an uphill battle to get laid, and more so here in the sports team environment. These guys were built, it was their house, and they were all upperclassmen so it seemed very likely that the girls had more options on the table than we did. Multiplying our efforts, we attempted to be every bit witty, sarcastic, amusing, and overall attractive to the girls. 


Bright: "My friend and I have to go to the bathroom, wait for us okay?"
Del: "Cool, we'll wait"


And wait we did. 10 minutes...20 minutes...half an hour...how long did these girls need to go to the bathroom? Del attempted to climb the stairs to the 2nd floor where they had gone to the bathroom, only to be blocked by a much bigger and much drunker baseball team resident. SR tried texting her friends over and over again, but to no avail. Del refused to give up. But SR was getting sleepy and she insisted that she wanted to go home. I volunteered to walk her back to her dorm, and Del insisted that he would wait for Bright and the third friend. I didn't know if sex or concern was motivating him (probably a combination of both) but I told him to keep me in the loop if he were to run into any problems. 


I dropped SR off at her dorm, which got me a kiss on the cheek and a "you are very sweet". Not a very successful night but I shrugged it off. I texted Del to check on the status. Status - he was still waiting. I chalked one point up for Team "Girls that Run Away from Funny Cool Guys to Hook Up with Athletic Jocks" and told him good night. 


Yet, as you may guess from the blog post's title, this was not the last time I would see Bright. In fact, it would not be the last time Del would have a pivotal role in my pursuits for her. I will continue the rest of the story soon enough.

Pour a Shot of Blog, Chase with Some Singing (KBROD March)

It is that magical time of the month again, and this event has nothing to do with being baby-free. The Karaoke Blog Ring of Death reforms once again to bring you a fresh selection of songs and bloggers, with absolutely no tampon required. March's theme is alcohol and the implications brought on by such drinks in celebration of St. Patty's Day and March Madness. As if each blogger's crazy antics weren't enough, we are going to add booze to the mix. Our viewers have asked for more, and by Elvis's ghost and Michael Jackson's zombie (too soon?), everyone has delivered. One person in particular. That would be the gnarly bitchin' Ginny from Ginntastic. I would suggest that readers should pace themselves, and not take too much too quickly but I realize...what is the fun in that? Chug it down folks, and enjoy Ginny's performance in the KaraokeSphere. Here's Ginny:


Hello Rio's lovely readers.  I'm back for karaoke again.  I planned on singing a different song but things happened (ok wine happened) and the plans changed.  I'm sure you all know this song and it mentions drinking so it totally counts.

Thanks for hosting Rio!

Keep on drink'n on my fine karaoke singing friends.







You say you want more? I hope you have a high tolerance (had to make that pun in here somewhere) so you can watch my vids. Head on over to Lorn's blog Czech You Later to see my alcohol-loving karaoke. 

Quack! Quack! Quack! The March Movie Review

For March, the Bad Movie Blog Ring has decided to tackle some sports movies. I have the absolute pleasure of getting to host the lovely and always hilarious Coyote Rose from Dancing on the Bar of Life. She is sassy, she is nerdy, and most of all she is a riot. Her movie this month was the classic and unforgettable The Mighty Ducks. Oh those Ducks, with Emilio Estevez/Coach Gordon Bombay and the lovable crew of misfits and juvenile delinquents. So read on and enjoy some Rose in your blog life. My review, soon to be up I hope, is going to be on my rap partner and hit producer Tsa over at The Tsarita Sez. Move on over to her awesome blog and ch-ch-check it out.

So welcome to this months edition of Sucky Movies Anonymous, because its March and March Madness is just around the corner, we opted to do sports movies this month. I felt it was only necessary to do the Might Ducks Trilogy.


Listen, don't get me wrong. I happen to love the Might Ducks films. I own two of the three of them, and they are totally my guilty pleasure sports movie. I mean who doesn't love when those adorable little tykes quack at their teacher, but in retrospect the movies are retarded.


Honestly, a hot-shot lawyer gets arrested for drunk driving and sentence to community service as a hockey coach. Lets count the number of things wrong with this:

1. A laywer getting caught drunk driving once would absolutely be able to get himself out of the charges
2. It only being his first offense (as far as i remember) would only get his license taken away for a year, under no circumstances would he be giving community service.
3. I'm pretty sure those parents would be a little pissed off that their children are being coached by a jack-ass lawyer who breaks the law

 So after the initial run ins with the kids hating him and the coach not wanting to be there, the coach has a change of heart because he loves the game as a kid (how fucking convenient) and has a run in with an old friend who just so happens to run a hockey supply shop (seriously, plot writers?) The lawyer then gets his boss to fund the team, they change the team name to the ducks (how menacing) and the the team gets really good in the matter of like 3 minutes. Oh and then the lawyer loses his job by being a good hockey coach, because who in their right mind is going to give up a lucrative job to coach a pee-wee hockey team? By sheer luck the hockey team make it to the championship game against their rivals and the lawyers douchebag ex-hockey coach. Take wild guesses on which team won?


Of course the ducks did, because they made a sequel. The former-laywer is now a hockey player in the NHL (having left for the minor leagues at the end of the last movie) but he gets his knee blown out and is forced back home.  His old friend manages to finagle the former-laywer as job as the coach of the Hockey team for the Jr. Goodwill games, so he rounds up his old ducks and heads to California. They arrive there and meet a few new players that will be joining their team. The team does well initially but then the former-lawyer turns into a douchebag and the kids all hate him and blah blah blah boring standard kids-sports movie cliche shit. The hockey team then goes out and plays street hockey and gets a renewed love for it. The former-lawyer un-douchebags himself and the team goes on to win the Jr. Goodwill games.


We won't even discuss the 3rd mighty ducks film because it was such a travesty.


The only thing that saves the Might Ducks films from being a total sports movie cliche, is that the acting isn't totally awful. Emilio Estevez (the less druggie-insane of the Sheen-Estevez brothers) plays the lawyer turned coach and a very young cherubic Joshua Jackson (of Dawson's Creek and Fringe fame) plays the lead hockey kid in the movie. Kenan Thompson of All That and SNL fame shows up in the second movie in the perfect goofy part for him. A few of the site gags are pretty humorous to watch, but in general this is the worst kind of recycled movie crap. I suggest watching it next Sunday if you have the time.

Let's Put Some Kiwi (Karaoke) In You - KBROD March

This February, month of couples and singletons alike, we at the Karaoke Blog Ring of Death have brought you a special treat. Not only have we gained tons of new members for you to check out and fantasize over, but we had a double theme. In recognition of St. Valentine's day and all that love/romance mess, this month's theme was Love versus Anti-love Songs. Got you all excited down in the pants doesn't it?

To make things even better, because indeed it can get even better, I get to host Neal/Lost from You Know What Really Grinds My Gears...! Of course, of course, I realize the obvious. Yes, he is a Kiwi (from New Zealand), yes he has that accent and I know all you girls are secretly touching yourself when he sings. Or openly, whatever floats your boat and feeds your goat. I must admit that I am a tad bit jealous but he is my bro, so therefore I will be a supportive wingman. I will tell you that  he is sex-ay, has god-like powers in the sack, and there is definitely enough of him to go around for every blogging female. 

Here is his video, singing If You are Into It by The Flight of the Conchords. A great artist choice and a fun rendition, that's what this karaoke ring is all about. You should savor this moment, because it's his last month for a while. Give a good farewell folks, and comment down below! 



Care to see my videos? Really? Well then, you can go over to Lana's (Nuggles's) blog at That Ain't Kosher. Let me know what you thought of my attempts at stardom haha :P 

Breaking my Eyes, but Not Any Hearts - The February Movie Review Blog Swap

I signed up to do this whole "blog swap" thing again and this time it was to do movie reviews. This month's is bad romantic comedies, so I was like "why the fuck not?". One important thing to note: this is my first swap partner that actually got me their stuff! I had enlisted in two other so-called swaps, but I missed out on my partner the previous times. This is why I am pleased to introduce my new favorite person of the day...Christina.


She is a truly bad-ass chick so check out her blog, stick it to your Reader, and pay attention to what she has to say because it might save your eyes people! Without further ado, I present to you, Christina's Wonderland:


Hi. I may and/or may not be Christina Harper (from Christina In Wonderland's) ID, EGO, or SUPEREGO. Either way, does it really matter? I'm here from my wonderfully awkward and insane blog, that I've been neglecting recently. Well, not neglecting. I'm taking time off to pursue other endeavors, which is code word for "college is sucking my mental juice" and by "mental juice" I mean, well, you know what I mean. Or something. Where was I going with this introduction? Oh yeah, if you want to sift through random nonsense, please, go take a look at my blog. It isn't much at the moment, negligence and all, but I swear, within the next week or so I'm going to renovate it and get my creative mojo back. MUAHAHAHA! That being said, on to my review.

-----------------

p.s i (fucking) love you

So, I kind of cheated when I did this. I Googled "shitty romantic comedies" and looked at a lot of lists. Mostly because I really don't WATCH romantic comedies, or romantic movies at all. The last romantic movie I watched was, well, if you want to count Fight Club as aromantic movie, then go for it.


Anyway, the way in which I cheated was that I saw this movie on someone's list and freaked the fuck out. Like, I literally flipped a biscuit... off the desk... where I was eating. And I'm Southern so we take our biscuits VERY seriously. *ahem* Whatever. That was a mild rant. P.S. I Love You is by no means an AMAZING movie, but worst romantic movie of all time, or one of them? Dear person on the internet you must not understand that Hilary Swank and Gerard Butler make any movie tolerable at least, and the fact that they are BOTH in this movie, well, your argument is just invalid.


I watched this movie. I really, really liked this movie. Albeit, there were certain things about it that bugged me. I guess I'll start with those. First of all, there was Harry Connick, Jr. who just has only ever impressed me in ONE movie throughout his entire career, and that wasHope Floats. And I didn't even like him in that movie, so maybe I just hate him and he makes every movie he has ever been in worse just because there he is... so, yes, he and his shitty acting were an undeniable flaw in the casting.


Maybe he was the only thing I really didn't like about the movie. Because most everything else was pretty par for the course. Well, and Kathy Bates... how I do worship that woman, but something about her character threw me off. I mean, no mother is that unsupportive of her daughter. But even then I still kind of get it at the end. Ugh. I'm so wishy-washy and indecisive in this review. Is that bad?


Moving on, to the reasons why I think this movie isn't nearly as shitty as everyone and their cracked out Grammymaw seem to make it. First of all, Hilary Swank always gives a good performance, I don't even care what you say. The fact that she was playing a woman who's husband dies, and she's getting these tiny pieces of her husband from beyond the grave, and she's trying to move on and learn to deal, well, Swank pulls that off. If she's "bland" it's because the character is probably personally numb from all that's happened, and because her friends are all kind of bitches.


And I literally cried near the ending, okay? I swear to whatever God there may or may not be that I bawled my baby back bitch eyes out and I KID YOU NOT THAT WAS A REALLY, REALLY GOOD MOVIE! It's one of  those movies that the ending doesn't even matter, it's the destination that's the real deal. So, even if you aren't pleased with the ending or whatever, enjoy the ride, man... or (wo)man. Don't want to leave people out. Lack of androgynous pronouns leaves the world a sad place, you know?


Okay... am I done here? Have I given you enough of a shitty post that I can go crawl back into my Earth Cave and die a slow, Tumblr-related death?


Seriously folks, I have nothing else to say. We're at the end credits now and you're refusing to leave the theater. What is WRONG wichu? Drop the popcorn in the trash receptacles and go have sex. Or if you're underage, go have frozen yogurt. Frozen yogurt is good...


And this has been a public service announcement from Christina In Wonderland. Thank you for tuning in.

Was that good or what? Very informative and hilariously accurate on the bashing, I *like* this review. If you want to read my honest opinion on the The Ugly Truth starring Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl, then move on over to McGriddle Pant's (awesome name right?) blog Serenity Now! Insanity Later. Tune in next month for more couch movie criticisms.

Hello I Think You're Hot, Won't You Tell Me Your Name?

Dear Sexy Senorita,

Hello, how are you? I am good myself thanks. You might know me as the guy who passes you on Mondays and Tuesdays. Dark hair? Dreamy eyes? Dashing smile? No? Okay then, I'll explain. As I walk to my last class on Tuesday afternoon, we cross paths behind the Art Museum. Every Monday, I go to my review session at 1 and you have class (I'm assuming it is a class) in the same hall at that same time.

The first time we crossed paths and locked eyes, you caught my attention. You are, in a word, hot. Not in the temperature, "are you sick?" sense, but in the way that I want to spell the word h-a-w-t. Now a whole semester has passed, and we have passed each other a number of times. My visual opinion of you has not changed. I think 5 out of 5 dentists would agree with me that you are very attractive.

You are usually wearing some article of clothing related to the fact that you are in a sorority and not to enforce certain stereotypes, I am not surprised you are in one. You carry yourself with the air of one that knows she is control, in demand, and on top. I know you might be wondering why I am writing this letter to you. No, this is not one of those creepy "I'm obsessed with you" kind of letters, but rather it is an explanation to both you and myself. You see, I am sure we could have plenty to talk about. So you are saying to yourself, "why didn't he come up, say hi, and introduce himself?".

The simple honest truth is that I am too busy. I am too concerned with other things not relating to females, dating, or sex. Surprising I know, considering I just admitted to the whole internet that I want to be on top of you. Or in any position really, I have an open mind and enjoy trying out new things in the bedroom. This would certainly have not been the case one year ago.

Back then, I would have dropped everything and strolled over with a smile and a twinkle in my eye. Do you like a guy that listens to you, teases you, takes you out to dinner? A singer and guy that knows how strut his stuff on the dance floor? That's what I thought. I would have charmed you into my bed and out of those panties before the words "can I come over?" would have been out of your mouth. And I know that you probably had lots of guys brag about how they would rock your world, but they wouldn't have held a candle to the night we would have spent. The kissing, the touching, the pleasure filled moaning would fill the room as our bodies collide, our embraces tighten, and our passion explodes into not one, but multiple orgasms. Once you were back in your own room, you would remember and relive the memories, leaving you breathless and delighted.

While this all sounds incredible, we probably are better off the way things are now. I am not that guy anymore. My passion is real and my skills are still intact, but my desires for life are different. I am looking beyond the one-night stand or the occasional hookup buddy. I am looking for success, for glory, for that personal satisfaction that comes from a man that runs his life, owns his world, and demands what he is worth. So yes, I am looking for a relationship before my next sexual adventure. I am not denying the possibility of future hookups or one-night stands, but I am sure that the next time I get naked with a woman it won't be the last time and I will feel something in my heart for her.

But anyone in college can tell you that there is so much to do and so little time. I take a full engineering course load, I work, and I commute back and forth from home. My mind is generally full of phasors, Butterworth low-pass filters, and turbine entropy generation, not on how I would delight you with my tongue. I worry greatly about Matlab, the GRE, and how to calculate the fourier transforms of my signals, and oh so very little on foreplay. Should you get to know me, and get to like me, you would not get the full me. You would be buying yourself a one-way ticket to Sexually Frustrated and I would be doing myself a huge disservice by not giving you all the attention you merit. Maybe there are ways to balance my academic life with your loving, but my coordination is fragile. I am holding it all together; my jobs, my classes, and my family obligations on a single thread where one bad day seems to throw my life completely off track. In the near future, my love will be available again, but for now, it is out of stock. So while you might be Miss Right, unfortunately you can't be Miss Right Now.

You might say if I won't hook up with you, or date you, maybe we could be friends? Maybe, but not likely. This whole letter is based on a large assumption of your personality. Maybe I wouldn't be able to stand you, and maybe you wouldn't be able to relate to me. It happens. And even if our personalities meshed, I am not a fan of having a girl you have the hots for as a close friend. It is a recipe for disaster. If you are not busy being jealous, then you are trying to separate your sincere friendship from your lustful thoughts. Careful with those Freudian slips, because they reveal the real reason you are always hanging out in her room. With your kind of hotness, caution is not only recommended but necessary.

That's leaves us back to where we started. You and I walk by each together, match stares, and smile. Two strangers on different paths for the time being. Maybe next time I'll throw in a "Hi" for you. Maybe. I hope you have a nice class and a good Christmas break. If we ever run into each other in the future, I know things will be different. Until then, you'll just have have to do with less-than-spectacular sex and guys that are close to, but still aren't, me.

With well-meaning but somewhat dirty wishes,
Rio


A shout-out to my first 4 followers, thanks so much for your support! Much love to Penny Lane, Andy, Dominick Mills, and ryepdx.