Sunday, April 3, 2011

Cage-d In (The April Bad Movie Review)

April is a month for Easter, bunnies, and Nicholas Cage.
...wait, what? 

You heard me right. 

The Bad Movie Review Blog Ring (we don't have a creative name yet, please advise) decided to go this month with a man whose name instantly sends shudders into many a movie goer. To be sure, Mr. Cage has had his moments (Leaving Las Vegas, anyone?) and there is no doubt in my mind that he can, in fact, act. Yet somehow he always manages to choose the limping pony in the horse race that is the Hollywood movie industry. And now I present to you, the fantastic, uh-mazing, "is it really her??" blogger known as Ginny from Ginntastic who has some great things to say about Nicholas and his movies. Enjoy:

Man, I should have done this a while ago.  But here is my awful Nic Cage movie review.

There are so many bad Nicholas Cage movies it was hard to choose just one.  I decided to watch a movie that I'd never seen before.  The Bad Lieutenant:  Port of Call - New Orleans.  God, even the title is bad!

The movie starts off bad right out of the gate.  Here are a few of my notes taken in the first five minutes of the movie:

Holy receding hairline!

"Fuck Duffy!!!"

Is that Val Kilmer?  Oh my that totally is.

Seriously Nic Cage's hairline is freaking me out.

enjoy this sexy photo folks.

The first five minutes of the movie has some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard in a movie. There was some awful line about someone being a turd but all I wrote down was "turd?".   It doesn't get much better as the movie goes on.

So from what I can tell this movie is about how Nicholas Cage is a giant asshole who happens to be a cop.  He's a drug addict and all around crazy person.  He's bribing people, dating a hooker, snorting coke, robbing couples of their drugs oh and let's not forget the most uncomfortable sex scene of all time.  Nicholas Cage wants some drugs from this couple and the woman and him smoke from a pipe and then have sex right there in front of her dude while Nicholas Cages yells out sexy talk like "you're daddy molested you when you were a child didn't he".  As some point he shoots off his gun and demands the boyfriend watch.  Seriously, one of the most fucked up sex scenes I have ever seen in a movie EVER.  And who would have sex with him when he looks like that!  He is not looking good in this movie at all.

I fast forwarded through a good chunks of this movie.  It was just so boring and awful.  I stopped at one point when Fairuza Balk shows up.  I love her.  Where has she been?  Fast forward some more and land on this gem of dialogue "I'll kill all of you.  To the break of dawn.  To the break of dawn baby!!"  Ugh this is awful!!

I know there was some fighting over drugs and people getting killed but otherwise I don't really know what is going on in this movie.  I fast forwarded to the end where Nic Cage is sitting on the floor in an aquarium having a chat with some other guy.  That's it.  The end!  What a waste of time!

I tried, I really tried to make it through without fast forwarding but I couldn't do it!  I thought the Wicker Man was bad, but no.  This was worse.  I at least made it to the end of the Wicker Man.

If you want to hear my thoughts on Knowing, then head on over to one of my favorite (and bad-ass) bloggers out there, Tsa from The Tsaritsa Sez